I haven’t been writing much these days because I’ve been preparing for my exams which is just a few days away. Currently on my week-long break now so I thought I should spend some time to write down things I’ve been thinking about.
Past week was so frantic; back to back tests and eom submission. Phew! No idea how I made it but I did. It’s September break now, and in Singapore, ‘break’ doesn’t mean ‘break’. I know teens reading this can relate to that. ‘break’ means ‘study study study’, and with the promo exams so close, there’s no time to slack.
I’ve been having this nagging voice at the back of my head constantly telling me “it’s fine to stop”, and there have been times that I almost listened to it. Struggle and helplessness are two things I run away from. I hate to be forced to do something that I’m bad at, and I hate feeling vulnerable. Basically, I hate it but I admit that I’m weak.
When you ask people what their future plans are, they’ll give you a definite and detailed answer. Me? I just shrug and reply “I don’t know.” Normally, I would come up with witty replies or change the subject entirely but nonetheless, I’ll have to answer it sooner or later in my life. It’s so frustrating when you can’t figure out what you want to do with your life. It’s like going into Starbucks and even though you’ve been there countless times, you still stand in front of the menu and be like “I don’t know what to get”. The options are right there in my face and yet I can’t seem to make a decision. Should I just work in an office? Business? Lawyer? Accountant? Pharmacist? That’s the thing; I don’t want to choose something only to regret it later, finding out that it’s not meant for me.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid of an undetermined future.